What I've Learned in 5 Months of Marriage.

You're most likely reading this on the run between classes, work, picking up your kiddos, making dinner and so on—the point is you're probably just as busy as I am. And that means you appreciate quick and easy yet applicable reads. I'm right there with ya! So let's get started!Marriage is a pretty wild ride. A good ride, but an ever-changing one. As I tell my friends when they ask how marriage has been, "The good days are really high and the low days are really low. If becoming a Christian didn't make you realize how broken and selfish you are, marriage sure will."Just like our walk with our Savior, we have to go through trials together in order to know and trust each other on a deeper level. I mean seriously, you guys, I thought I knew that the covenant of marriage was a close parallel to Christ's love for the Church before getting married. But now actually being in the daily grind of it,  I have grown to truly see and appreciate and be blown away at the handiwork of God in His divine creation of marriage and the love between man and wife. God truly withheld nothing good from His children.Now, I promised to keep it quick, so I wanted to share a couple of the things I've learned in the last 5 months of being married. Ready, set, here they are!The first one to say "I'm sorry" wins.I hate admitting it. I think we all do, but it is crucial. Whether you're arguing over what you said that made him angry, or if you acted out of attitude or anger, and you feel like you did nothing wrong—the point is not whether you are right or wrong. The point is that you hurt your spouse and showed behavior other than patient love, and that will create a wedge between you and your spouse very quickly. Are you competitive? Turn it into a game! Instead of sitting in separate rooms and giving each other the silent treatment for the rest of the day, be the first one to show unconditional love and say you're sorry. These two words are game-changing!Don't assume, ask!One of the greatest struggles my husband and I face is the battle of assuming what each other is thinking and feeling. On multiple occasions, he has said something that made me feel challenged or less than, and I have responded out of those emotions just as quickly as the words left his mouth. That leads to a 2-hour argument that is completely irrelevant from the actual issue at hand. These conversations can be avoided altogether by asking questions. For example, say you and your husband are having a conversation about planning your meal schedule, and he makes the comment, "I really just want to eat healthy this week." Instead of taking this as a personal attack that the food you have been cooking is unhealthy and unenjoyable, ask him, "What do you mean by that?" By asking questions instead of jumping to the worst conclusions, you're creating a better communication line between the two of you. And communication is key!Outdo each other in love.A dear friend and mentor of mine said she has made the habit of asking her husband every morning before he leaves for work what she can do to help him that day. He may not answer right then, or he may not need help with anything specific but the message is clear: I care for you, and I'm here to support you. Ladies, nothing could be a bigger turn on and sign of commitment for a husband than for him to know he is full-heartedly supported and that you are willing to make sacrifices for him. This means to world to him!Pity parties be gone. Geez, this one is very hard for me to talk about because I am still very much working through it. I'd say, during the first three or four months of marriage, most nights I either cried myself to sleep or walked away from conversations to be alone because I was too overwhelmed by anger, hurt, bitterness, or loneliness. My husband would say or do something that I didn't agree with or think was loving enough and bam, it was like my world was falling through my hands. Everything is so extreme for me in those moments. Instead of understanding that my husband wants to spend the first minutes home from work decompressing, I automatically assume that it is about me (selfishness, there it is once again) and that I have done something that made him not want to spend time with me. Let the pity party commence. From that point on, I can either choose to wallow in my hurt (whether validated or not) or do something beneficial. And, from someone who is currently walking through and out of this struggle, it's so much better to do something positive. I've learned that I have to deal with the hurt and frustrations, but it doesn't have to be in the form of crying and distancing myself. I have challenged myself to turn those pity parties into praise parties. I choose to celebrate and remember the good that God has done for my husband and I, how He has been faithful to hear my prayers and hurt in the past, and that He will be faithful today and forever! And, friend, you need to find your alternative to your pity parties as well. I promise, your emotions and frustrations are not overlooked if you don't make a big deal of it. In fact, the Bible says that those with a gentle and quiet spirit are precious in God's sight (1 Peter 3:4).Jesus is enough.Until you find Jesus to be enough, everything else will run your emotions, thoughts, and actions. He is enough and will always be enough. Truly, He is more than enough. Many people walk into marriage and expect their spouse to fix their anxiety problems, daddy-issues, trust problems and more; but another broken, sinful human will never be able to fix you, a broken, sinful person. All the love and tenderness they could ever show you will not fix your deeper problems because only Jesus can do that. So, be reminded to not place those on your spouse; they will be set up to fail relentlessly. Understanding that Jesus is enough, even when times are rough, will change how you handle arguments, discuss finances, deal with family problems, and overcome everything else that comes your way. When Christ is enough, we can see and love our spouse how they are meant to be loved.Here's to a lifetime of learning this special thing called marriage.words by Joy Payne and photo by Emma Tally