A Good Giver

Three years ago I had a very honest chat with Jesus. I remember being so frustrated with my story. I was so frustrated at how I had behaved in my previous relationships, and how focused I was on finding the next one. Shuttling my heart around to whoever would take it was exhausting and left me more broken each time. So on that May 19th, three years ago, I had had enough. I told Jesus that it was his fault for not loving me well enough. If he only showed me his full love, then I wouldn’t need to act like this to feel worth something. I even remember thinking that Jesus is probably laughing up there at me because he knows I will never find a relationship that will be good for my soul. Does he even want me to ever get married?

I do.

Please wait.

Those were the words he used to interrupt my anger-filled, honest monologue. It was just a simple reassurance that he has good things in store for me and a reminder to let him lead and be patient in that, to trust his plan. My loving Father loved me enough to give me the hope of a good gift even when I was acting like an entitled, bratty child demanding a tablet. Yet even with that promise ringing clear in my head, God’s plans were not at all what I had envisioned them to be.

While I was happy to accept the promise of marriage, I was hesitant to listen to the advice that immediately followed. I did not wait well. There were many tears as I was rejected, once again, by someone who I thought could be the one. There were many more angry discussions with my Father as I reminded him of his promise to me, as I wasn’t seeing them play out how I wanted.

One day, that changed. There was a man who wanted to pursue a relationship with me. Being with him was great, but he didn’t live up to the high expectations I had for the perfect relationship in my head. It was during that dating period when God showed me that even the best earthly gift he could give me still paled in comparison to his love and grace for me. That man, while a huge blessing, could never be my healer or savior.

But my savior is good on his word, and on May 19th, exactly 3 years later, in front of my friends and family, I married that man. God did what he said he would do. That day was the most beautiful representation of how God has been and continually wants to be in intimate relationship with me. While it can be easy to get caught up in what a great person my husband is, ultimately he is a reminder of God’s goodness and faithfulness to me.

The point of this post isn’t to share about my great husband but about my great God. It’s about how my heavenly Father was taking care of my heart even when I didn’t want to let him. He was the one who made me feel whole and worthy of a real love. He is the only one who can truly bring healing into those dark, intimate places. Sometimes his gifts help with that process, but his promises are never meant to point to the goodness we received, but to the giver who so lavishly blesses us unnecessarily.

words by Breanna Maier and photo by Hailey Pierce