Dealing With Disappointment.

2018 felt like the year from Hell. Both of my parents were diagnosed with potentially life-threatening illnesses, some dear friends moved away, and I went through a really difficult breakup. It wasn't one of those surface-level, aimless relationships, but a deeply-committed, 3-year shebang. Marriage was in our sights from the beginning; we were practically a part of each others' families. We were absolute best friends. We thought we “knew,” at least at one point. We had dreams and plans. We grew up together and spent most of our free time with one another. We even tackled long-distance from opposite corners of the world for half of a year. It was real love. The end was devastating, for both of us, though we knew it was the right call. We were being pulled in different directions, and the Holy Spirit was leading us to paths that the other wasn’t meant to travel. We couldn’t foresee that when we were two teenagers - we didn’t even know ourselves. But there we were, left standing in the wake of a reality shift, vulnerable as ever, on top of everything else the year had thrown my way. And I had a decision to make.We’ve all taken some hard blows at some point of life or another. We’ve taken chances to be met with failure, risked love to be met with heartbreak, and sometimes we’ve done absolutely nothing different to have the wind knocked out of us out of nowhere. Being human means being guaranteed loss and pain. It’s part of the package. If you’re coping with disappointment, I am writing to you. How we respond to the disappointments we inevitably face will determine how we grow moving forward and the kind of people we become.Some of us live in an alternate reality called “idealism.” I’m talking to myself here, trust me. It’s something I’ve been actively seeking to cognitively recognize and bring awareness to in my life the past few months. When you name your struggle, it can’t own you. Idealism isn’t altogether bad - it’s part of what makes me a good songwriter, artist, and seeker of justice. Idealism is even necessary for a society, to anchor us in times of war, press us forward in times of peace, and to establish unity in our streets. But if improperly balanced, it can rob us of reality and keep us stuck in a cycle of unbelief and bitterness toward the Lord when bad things happen in our lives and around us. It’s much easier to move forward from our disappointments when we understand that it’s simply a part of life.After some research, I have come to learn that the first step to healing from hard circumstances is to recognize our unrealistic expectations and address them so that we can yield to acceptance. Once we accept our circumstances, we give space for “the God of hope to fill [us] with all joy and peace as [we] trust in Him” (Romans 15:13). Acceptance is trust. Trust that in the accepting, there will be a better reality ahead. It is bravery and hope ensues.I regret to say that my initial response to the breakup was anything but helpful. It was idealism at its finest - complete denial of the existence of pain. I didn’t let myself feel it. I stuffed and stuffed. Eventually, the repression got me. Like a pressure cooker, the tension built until I exploded. I had to do a lot of damage control. I’m not saying it would have been otherwise pretty, but I am saying it would have been easier had I dealt with the disappointment of my expectations immediately. If I would have admitted to myself that I was in pain and allowed myself to feel it. The denial of having emotions doesn’t do anything but supplement the agony. Thankfully, there’s always an open door for healing that is separate from time’s limitations. I made the decision to accept my neediness for God as the path for true strength.My point can be summarized as this: disappointment is real, but our God is more real. When we take intentional steps to dealing with our unmet or flattened expectations, we are really saying “yes” to hoping in Him. And that “hope will not be put to shame” (Romans 5:5) nor is it an empty cause, as our Jesus has proven. There really are better days ahead, full of vibrance and indescribable joy. If you’re in the shadows of the valley now, I promise there is a dawning sunrise from a mountaintop ahead. You’ll make it there. Just don’t let yourself die in the valley. Accept your disappointment and befriend it, because what you befriend becomes an aid towards healing. Shake off idealism, because it only ever takes away hours of your life spent dreaming of a different story to live out. Whatever your disappointment may be, I promise you this: you are going to be okay, even in the depth of the feeling. Go there. Sob the belly sobs. Vent to your best friend. Ask for prayer and help when you need it. Know the limits of your humanity. But for goodness’ sake, don't give up.words by Olivia Douglas and photo by Arianna Taralson