Receive.

I’m not very good at receiving things.

Compliments.

Criticism.

Advice.

Gifts (that one is sometimes a bit easier).

Attention.

Appreciation.

Help.  

Love.

It’s a multi-faceted list, ranging from the not-so-problematic to the you-better-get-this-figured-out-or-it’s-going-to-be-a-big-problem kind of problematic. But recently God’s been laying one word on my heart—or more accurately, pounding me over the head with it through friends, messages at church, and my own unguarded thoughts. That word? Receive.

You know those people who come up with a word for the new year and post about it all over social media in cute, inspirational ways that make you want to approach a new set of twelve months with the same type of intentionality? Yeah, I never thought I was one of those people. Don’t get me wrong, I think resolutions of any kind, one-word or multi-step, are admirable, but I’ve just never really been the resolution type.

I think it all started right around the eve of 2004 when, while sitting at my grandparents’ dinner table, I told everyone my resolution for the upcoming year was to learn how to sew. 2019 is now here, and I’m no closer to learning how to sew than I was back then in the fourth grade (besides sewing a couple buttons on a piece of fabric in an effort to pass Home Ec.).

I’ve been subconsciously turned off from making a New Year’sresolution every year since that early failure.

But for some reason 2019 is different. It feels different. I’mdifferent.

Flash forward from the elementary school girl at her grandparents’ house to the 24 year-old sitting around her best friends’ coffee table on New Year’s Eve 2018. As it gets closer to midnight we go around the room, sharing our goals, aspirations, and resolutions for the year ahead. In this moment, I don’t know if I really even have a resolution. I quickly wrack my brain, coming up with “read more books” and “keep staying healthy” when it gets to my turn.

But then I share a third thing, something I honestly hadn’tthought about until that moment.

“Receive love more.”

Maybe it was the emotion of sharing the last few minutes of2018 with my best friends, the chocolate brownie sundae I had just devoured, orsomething else entirely, but that’s what came out of my mouth on New Year’sEve, and I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly that statement meant eversince.

Receive. It’s a word that brings up images of open hands, surrender, and acceptance. Three things, if I’m honest, I’m really not great at. As an Enneagram Two, a perfectionist, and a tried-and-true people pleaser, I’m a giver, not a receiver. And even though that might sound like a good thing, I can say from experience that it ends up hurting me and others more often than I care to admit.

The thing is, I want people to know I’m a giver. The prideful, ugly part of my heart that wants recognition and praise for my efforts takes over and makes me either a) pat myself on the back when someone does recognize what I’ve done for them or b) brings out a passive-aggressive attitude when people don’t reward my efforts in a way I deem sufficient. Yeah, it’s pretty messed up.

With that mindset at the forefront of my brain, receivingisn’t even on my radar.

Receive your help? No, I would have to earn that by doing somethingfor you first.

Receive a compliment? But your outfit really is prettier.

Receive constructive criticism? Haven’t you noticed all I’ve done already?! Who are you to tell me I’m doing this one thing wrong?!

And receive love? I can’t possibly deserve that. Just take alook at the above examples.

But the thing is, we were made to receive.

The Savior we celebrate at Christmastime didn’t grow up to become a God who demands we earn his salvation. It’s a free gift, something we can’t earn or even get close to deserving. All my striving, the innate giver in me, gets me nowhere with Jesus. In fact, it’s probably pushing me farther away from him.

Yes, giving is beautiful, and, when it holds its properplace in my life, it’s healthy. But in order to occupy that healthy place,receiving must also play a role.

So I’ve become one of those people. A resolution person. A word for the new year person, at least on the surface. Deeper than that, though, I think God is showing me—through past mistakes, change, and the love of other people—that 2019 is my year to work on receiving, and receiving graciously. Receiving the good things like appreciation and gifts, the hard things like criticism and uncomfortable circumstances, and even the things the prideful giver in me wrongly feels I don’t deserve: grace, help, unconditional love.

I know I’ll fail at being a receiver, probably over and over again this year, but I’m going to try to open my hands, to surrender control, to inhale deeply and then exhale, knowing I’ve received something far more beautiful than anything I could ever give.

words by Kaylyn Deiter and photo by Arianna Taralson