Even Whispers.

I don't pretend to understand the voice of God.That's one of those tricky things I think we are all probably still figuring out. But then again, God's omniscience and omnipresence and stuff like that make it difficult to become an expert on Him. Learning is oh-so-gradual and oh-so-humbling.But God speaking in your life? That's a lot less black and white than some of the truth in His Word. I used to subconsciously think God spoke in grand gestures or massive tidal waves that swept you off your feet and when you recovered, you would gasp out, "So that's what He was saying." It wasn't until the last year or so that I fully realized this isn't always true.Here's the story of my summer: I sat around doing just about nothing, wondering if I was ever going to be done being single. Depressing, not to mention mostly stupid. My own voice was doing nothing for me. See, I'm the girl who has only ever wanted to be married. I've always been terrified of a future without a husband. So about half way through the summer, God decided it was time for me to knock it off. He was ready to work on my fear.Step One: I got over the young man I had spent the better part of my freshman year being head over heels for. And you know what? I'm not really sure why or how. He just wasn't right anymore. That decision was not mine.Step Two: I thought, "What if after school, if I'm still single, I work and then go on a trip to New Zealand?" First thing you need to know - it's always been my dream to visit New Zealand. Second thing you need to know - I have never, ever been comfortable for one split second with the idea of still being alone after college. That thought was not mine.Step Three: I watched a gorgeous movie about a writer who chases down a story. I suddenly felt that there was a story for me to chase down; one I was meant to tell as a writer and a lover of truth. I have always been mildly ambitious, but I keep my goals realistic. I rarely entertain ideas of writing a story. That idea was not mine.Step Four: (My favorite) I asked myself, "What do I want?" And for just a moment, I couldn't answer the question. In fact, I didn't even know if I wanted to be in a relationship right at that very moment. Anyone who knows me knows that's insane. I've waited forever to be in a serious relationship. But I was briefly uncertain, and in that moment, I was so confused that suddenly this peace came over me. Because you know what? If you don't know what you want, then all there is is what God wants. A relationship has always been the hardest thing to surrender for me. That resolve was not mine.A couple years ago, I would have shoved aside random thoughts and touching movies and such. Those things would be much, much too small for God to work through. To think that He was trying to say anything to me would be absurd.Yet in the midst of my fear and those days where I struggled to obediently be in the Word, God loved me enough to use the very things I loved - my stories, writing, adventures - to show me that there is so much in store for me if I only trust Him.

Of course, I'm still afraid. I still want to be married someday. But I find myself clinging to that moment of confusion where I saw my incapability to figure out my future. Let me be confused! If that's what it takes to want what He wants, then I will take chaos over certainty. I wrote in my journal months ago, "Maybe it is a peaceful thing to be out of control."

There are so many voices that have weight in your life, including your own voice. They are often dangerous, and they become more so when you assign them to God. But I do know that He loves you way too much to not use even the smallest things to communicate with you. If what you are hearing is pushing you to trust God more, then you should probably listen to the voice. And if it feels impossibly beyond you and your own sinful tendencies, then it might just be Him, whispering of His infinite goodness and faithfulness.

And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?"

Mark 4:39-40

words and photo by Kailin Richardson