Hold it all more loosely.

If you know me at all, you know that I’m a planner. Like the Google Calendar, schedule out my coffee dates, plan my weekly workouts, book a trip six months in advance kind of planner.I could say being an avid planner is simply a side effect of my job as a personal assistant to a somewhat non-detail-oriented pastor, but that would be an excuse. This love of laying out my life started way before I ever began planning professionally.At times this tendency to over-plan can be a good thing (I mean, I like to think I’m pretty good at that part of my job), but in other instances this part of my type-A personality can manifest itself in less-than healthy ways.5-year plan? Got that covered.Career trajectory? I have an idea.Know when you’re gonna get married? Check out my Pinterest board.What about kids? I should probably start at this age so I can have the number I want before I’m “old.”That book you want to write? Rough draft is due by October.Ok, so those examples might be a bit exaggerated, but I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about (and attempted to plan out) each of those situations at one point or another.But what happens when my so-called plans involve not just me, but other people? My friends, family, coworkers, or people I love the most? I start trying to fit those people, situations, and moments into my preconceived plans.Bend this way, no that. Hold off on your ideas, I think this will work out the best. That’s not going to fall into place the way I want, well I can fix that. I think this is ten months down the road, better start preparing for it now.Get the picture?Lately I’ve been doing some internal examination on why these planning genes of mine can get out of control sometimes, ending up not only hurting me, but also those closest to me. Because they can be positive—need a bridal shower planned, I got you covered (along with my party partner in crime/best friend)—but they can also be really, really negative—waking up with the physical tightness of anxiety in my chest only to realize that these feelings have been going unaddressed for weeks.And after some hard days of self-doubt, searching, talking, and praying, I’ve found that this need to have a plan comes first and foremost from the need to have control.I want to know where I’m going, so why not plan it out?I know the end goal, so what’s the harm in mapping my actions and those of others every step of the way?What’s so bad about having a plan?What’s so bad is that life isn’t meant to be that way. We don’t know the plan, only God does. And when we try to wrestle that control away from the One, and only One, who should have it in the first place, we experience the adverse effects: anxiety, miscommunication, damaged expectations, hurting hearts.So once again, God is gently asking me, showing me, and teaching me how to let go.Let go of the plan, even if it’s good.Let go of the vise-grip you have on your life and give it back to me.Let go of control and hand it over to the One who controls it all.Hold it all more loosely.Because holding things loosely doesn’t mean I have to hold them any less dearly. I can still have passion, I can still have purpose, I can still have intentionality, all without crushing those things under the weight of my human-made plans; allowing God to work where He sees fit, not just where I want Him to.It’s hard, this seemingly never-ending give and take, the push and pull of what I want and what I know I need, but ultimately opening up my hands to receive God’s plan instead of closing them to enact my own will be far better.Holding loosely to His plan will, I have no doubt, be much more beautiful than hanging on tightly to mine on any day, even if it’s not all on my Google Calendar.words by Kaylyn Deiter and photo by Sarah Mohan